‘Idiosyncrasies’– the fun and pain of them!

Idiosyncrasy is an eccentricity or a peculiarity that one has and often times it even characterises him. You and I and for that matter all of us, may have idiosyncrasies unknown to us but they may be quite apparent to others including our family members. These vary from person to person in degree and or in kind; some could be briefly amusing while a few could be quite irritating to others. As a part of social coexistence we all tend to live with the idiosyncrasies of one another.  I would like to present before you a few of these that I happened to experience over the years. Superfluous to say, you need to check with people near to me to get a feel my own foibles.

An uncle of mine used to have this peculiarity of irrational cleanliness. He used to tail the domestic helps who were filling the vessels with drinking water to see if they are scratching their head or other less acceptable parts; picking their nose or touching any dirty or dusty objects including their own clothes en-route. It was customary for the maid filling drinking water from the municipal tap to stand with her thoroughly washed hands two feet away from her body in the air as if she was blessing the earthen pots around. Once out of curiosity I asked her why she stood in such an awkward posture, she replied philosophically that uncle directed her to stand that way so that she would not touch anything including her clothes. No wonder despite my uncle’s generous offer of a new saree as bonus for any maid completing one year of uninterrupted service, I heard no one could ever claim that!

My friend’s grandfather had a peculiarity of smelling every food item served to him keeping it as close as possible to his nose to detect if it was fresh or stale. He used to eat only those items that passed this ‘nasal test’.

A cousin of mine has this habit of picking up the eating plate from the fully set dining table, take it to the kitchen tap and rinse it vigorously in the running water. When I asked why this strange thing, his wife told me he doesn’t trust anybody on this and told me conspiratorially that when he tried to do this in a five start hotel where they all went for a buffet, the manger objected to it. When she sprinkled coriander leaves on a dish, he was quick to ask her “have you washed the leaves properly?” She got a little wild and replied “Why on earth do you think I don’t wash the leaves before using them in food?”

I have a friend who always believes that the others do not have the capability of comprehension. Whatever he tells he would repeat it twice or thrice and tries to take confirmation from others that they have understood it fully. He would invariably start off by saying something like this; “listen…listen…listen…”The matter doesn’t end there; he even believes that they do not have the capability to execute things. So he finally ends up doing everything himself.

I know of this lady who used to walk up and down the house even while talking to guests and pick up even a small speck of paper from the floor. Her attention was always on the floor trying to find out the next bit of paper.

There is an aunt of mine who has this strange way of agreeing with what people told her. For an untrained ear it sounds like complete disagreement but if one were patient enough, one would realise that she was in agreement with what you say!  She would hear you out and would retort “that’s not the thing!” and starts repeating the same statement as if it was her statement. For instance if you ask her “Isn’t the sky blue?” she quickly retorts “That’s not the thing” and continues “the sky is always blue”

I am not sure whether you have observed while working in offices, that some bosses have this madness about language correction. They take satanical delight in mauling the drafts of letters or notes sent for correction. Once a friend of mine had this kind of a boss who used to brutally strike down all sentences in a draft note put up for approval with red ink and write down margin comments covering every bit of space on the paper.  My friend got frustrated one day and sent a note with just the salutation and the subject leaving the entire page blank with signature at the end. The boss was furious and demanded what was the meaning of this joke to which my friend replied “anyway you would strike down everything and rewrite, so better why not you draft it yourself upfront? It would save us time and frustration”. It seems the face of the boss turned cherry red putting the red ink bottle on his table to shame!

An uncle of mine called me over to a temple near his house for discussing something urgent. When I rushed there I found him sitting in the ‘Mantap’ near a corner and he looked quite upset over something. There was a sprinkling of people sitting all over and silently praying. I greeted him, sat down and asked him what the matter was.  Suddenly he began “I raised you with love and gave you what not? “ “Is this what you do to me?”  I was perplexed and looked around in horror. The devotees opened their eyes and were getting curious. “What sin have we done that you are putting us to so much of pain?”  By now the devotees got to the conclusion that this must be a case of helpless parents and a heartless son and started gathering around us. I got to my feet and told them to stay cool as it has got nothing to do with me. My uncle recovered and said “Nothing to worry! He is my nephew and I was expressing my feelings to him about my son who works in Mumbai and who promised to visit us on Diwali but cancelled his trip now due to office work”.  Guys! just to clarify; my uncle has this peculiar but annoying habit of imagining his wrongdoer in the person opposite him and expressing his feelings in full blast. He generally doesn’t mind or care about his surroundings or the plight of the person in front.

I am sure we all experience these foibles in people around us in our daily life. These could amuse us when we are not at the receiving end, but could put us in a spot when we have to swallow them. Let us realise our own eccentricities and try to mitigate if not eradicate them as these could make us a butt of ridicule at home or office or the subject of a silly blog!

The 'PO-MATO' Riddle

“Breaking News! Reports that are just coming in indicate that a few unidentified persons have raided a wholesale vegetable vendor’s warehouse in the outskirts and have made good their escape with the loot. While talking to our cameraman, the visibly shaken owner of the warehouse has disclosed that after a week of hard negotiations and spending a fortune, he could manage to procure a bag each of potatoes and onions but just a basket of tomatoes.”

“Though he arranged for careful custody of the same, the robbers got hint or scent of it and managed to decamp with the treasure trove. “I am ruined” laments the owner”.

The TV correspondent was continuing in her agitated voice… “We have plenty of reports coming in all across the city that, unidentified bike riding persons have been snatching tomatoes, potatoes and onions from the hands of housewives returning from shopping. The city police spokesperson in a separate interview to our correspondent admitted to the increasing incidents of ‘tomato-snatching’ across the city but was happy to declare a drastic reduction in the ‘chain-snatching’ incidents. Asked as to how he would handle this new but rapidly growing menace, the policeman assured that talks are on with the Center and a solution is expected very soon”.

“How do you get sleep at such odd hours that too while watching TV?  A sharp voice and a gentle nudge – both from my wife, woke me up from the morning slumber. I looked around in confusion; the TV was on and in the breakfast news, reports about train and plane accidents were scrolling across the TV. So the tomato and potato incidents were unreal? Thank God I was dreaming!

“Bhaskar’s family is coming for lunch and we need to organise stuff quickly. Now will you get ready and buy a few urgent things for me?” said my wife in a tone of urgency.

“Oh! Nice. Please list out the stuff while I get ready” I hurried inside.

***

When I entered the colony stores, I noticed a change in the arrangement. The vegetable and fruit shelves which used to be in the front near the door were not to be seen. I asked the attendant what happened to the vegetables and whether they had stopped selling them. “No sir, they have been moved to a special counter at the end of the stores”. 

I moved across the store and found a place cordoned off with ropes and an attendant was standing near the access point. There I found wooden crates arranged like steps. On the top step I found a basket wrapped in golden foil in which I found the fleshy, and fiery red tomatoes. On the second and the third rows I found potatoes and onions respectively, resting snugly in their silver colored baskets. Apples, pears, pomegranates, etc. found their places on the lower rungs.

I fished out the list given by my wife and it showed three items…tomatoes, potatoes and onions. I checked with the attendant prices of all the three. She looked at me tentatively and said “Rs.10, 8 and 5”. I was foxed. Do they sell that cheap here? I was jubilant and I called my wife and whispered to her. “Look; they are selling things dirt cheap here. All those newspaper reports about price spiral are bunkum. You know?  Tomatoes are Rs.10 per Kg, potatoes Rs.8 and onions Rs.5”. My wife did not seem to believe and wanted me to check if there is a catch in that. I dismissed her apprehensions and jubilantly asked the attendant to pack a kilo of each of them. There was sudden silence and everyone around stopped dead in their tracks and were looking at me in utter bewilderment. The attendant recovered quickly and checked with me “Are you sure?” “Hey! What’s wrong with it?” I was upset. The others still seem to believe that there was some major misunderstanding and were waiting with bated breath. “No problem sir; but that would come to Rs.200 or so” the attendant supplemented. “What on earth?” I shouted angrily. “It should work out to just Rs.23 isn't it?”  The attendant smirked and said “Sorry sir; the prices quoted are for a single piece and not per Kg”

The embarrassment hit me like a bolt. My face turned pale. Suddenly there appeared to be a great relief all around and the people released their breath and went about their shopping smiling at this oft witnessed embarrassment near the ‘Po-Mato’ (potato- tomato) counters. I verified the resources in my wallet and in a voice that was not audible even to me, asked the attendant to pack 2, 3 and 4 – I mean pieces each.  She picked up the stuff and kept them in my hand saying they don’t give carry bags for such small orders.

I looked at the 2 tomatoes in my hand and a thin film of moisture enveloped my eyes. Let one of these be for salad; we make four slices; one for Bhaskar and the rest for the other three. What about the other? May be it can go in Dal, Chutney or even Sambar. Oh! Just forget it!

My head was reeling. We know about onions… but have you ever heard of tomatoes bringing tears to your eyes? Don’t believe? It happened with me. May be a million eyes would be shedding tears right now trying to live with this ‘PO-MATO Riddle’. Onions in the past had tumbled governments. What about tomatoes and potatoes? You think these two …..”Oh save my Soul…Mercy!” I cried in panic as one tomato and two potatoes slipped out of my hand, tumbled down the steps of the store, on to the street and in to eternity.

The Divide!

A few days ago when I entered the colony park for my evening round of walking, I bumped into a couple of old acquaintances – Narasimlu (‘N’) and Venkateswarlu (‘V’).They stay in the same colony and always looked happy and contented. They live in a large old time house with a big compound. It was a joint family of paternal uncles and their families. That day when I said hello to them, they did not sound their usual selves!  It intrigued me and I wanted to get to the bottom of it.

We sat on the park bench and I directly broached the subject by asking them why they looked so dull and unenthusiastic. ‘N’ disclosed that the joint family split and the brothers partitioned the property. ‘V’ said things were pretty rough since the last one month and they had to cope with a number of daily issues. They said; while the drawing up of the physical boundaries of an old house brought in its wake number problems, the day to day matters led to further challenges. I was not only curious but genuinely concerned at this new situation confronting both these friends.

 Family divisions are not uncommon and they keep happening every day and everywhere. But here the story seems to be a little different. I wanted to know things in more detail and requested them to put me in complete picture.The conversation went like this…

“Dear friends could you let me know more about the division and what happened thereafter”

The divide they said, placed ‘N’ in the front portion and ‘V’ in the rear portion.

“The property was divided horizontally with the result the road face went to one family and the backyard to the other” explained ‘V’

“Water supply controls like well and pumps are in the front yard and the power supply controls are in the back portion” said ‘N’

“Road access is with the front portion and the drainage exit controls are in the rear portion” supplemented ‘V’

“So what happened?” I asked impatiently.

“All hell was let loose from day one .The front portion did not release enough water and many of us had to skip taking bath. Some of us were stuck in the toilets midway and we had to order an immediate supply of mineral water cans and bundles of toilet rolls” lamented ‘V’

“The response came instantly and the back portion tripped the power circuits. In the blistering heat we had no fans, no fridge and we had to immediately order earthen pots for drinking water and two dozen hand fans besides dozens of Electral packets to save us from heat and dehydration” cribbed  ‘N’

“My God things were pretty nasty!” I was shocked at the turn of events.

“Next day vegetable vendors came cursing to the backside and you know they just gave 3 bundles of spinach for Rs 10/- and all vegetables were sold higher than the usual rates” ‘V’ blurted out in anguish.

“But why?” I was curious.

“Because the front portion refused to allow the vendors inside and as a bargain collected some greens and vegetables as access fee.” ‘V’ was upset.

“Then look at what happened to us” the voice of ‘N’ was quivering. “The back portion blocked the sewage and drainage pipes and the flow reversed and I just can’t describe what happened to our toilets and all the drain outlets. It was hell!” said ‘N’ his face contorted in pain.

“My God this is beyond my imagination” I was really concerned for both of them.

“We haven’t yet told you about the other stuff” said ‘N’ and ‘V’ philosophically.

“The school autos no longer pickup children from the rear portion”

“The kids from the front portion can’t access the play area in the backyard”

“The mangoes from the backyard are not available to the front”

“The papayas from the front are not reaching the rear portion”

“Red Chilly Chutney and Biryani are no longer exchanged for Tamarind Rice and Gongura Chutney”. The sadness was palpable.

“Maid-servants, drivers, errand boys, cable operators and even pundits for performing Poojas are hired separately. Oh! The list is endless and the issues countless”. Both sounded fatigued!

“Please stop! I can’t take this anymore” I shouted in anguish.

We three sat in silence for some time. The Sun had set and the grey shadows started spreading across the park. Will the impasse end? If so when? Will there be general happiness and camaraderie? Will there ever be efforts for building peaceful and brotherly co-existence between the two portions?

We know we don’t have ready answers yet. But there is hope always flickering in our minds. The watchman switched on the lights and the illumination was gradually dissipating the darkness. Darkness is after all absence of light! Yes; there will be light sooner than later. We looked at one another with a smile on our lips and a new glow in our eyes- the glow of hope and faith. We stood up and walked firm-footed in the direction of the light.

The Great Indian Hurry!

As the Boeing started slowly taxiing towards the aerobridge for disembarkation, I was still half asleep in my aisle seat due to the lack of sleep caused by the early morning flight. The plane was softly docking into the aerobridge and I could vaguely hear the soft announcement being made by the cabin crew requesting passengers not to get up till the plane comes to a complete halt. Suddenly I was brutally brought into a wakeful state with someone crushing my feet with heavy boots and before I realised I was hit in the face by a heavy laptop bag being hurriedly negotiated across my face by my fellow traveler who was till then enjoying the window seat during the flight.

Yes, he was in a great hurry! In a hurry to rush across to the aisle, open the overhead bins, pull out his bags and be one of the first few to push his way out of the plane. Who could he be? Don’t rack your brains; he is just a typical Indian like you and me! We have seen and done this countless times at various places – be it getting into a plane, train or bus or getting out of it. We are always typically in a great hurry! Hurry for what? Nothing…just nothing!

We Indians are quintessentially characterised by this great ‘Indian Hurry’! Not to be mistaken for the great Indian Curry for which we are equally known. Let’s rewind and look at how we handle this animal called ‘hurry’ on any given day! We hurriedly get ready for office; pick up our paraphernalia in a hurry; get out to the lift and keep pressing the button half a dozen times though the lift may be just a couple of floors above or below loading and unloading people. The moment the lift arrives, the people waiting there crowd the doors and there ensues a classic exposition of the concept ‘hurry’. People try to come out and go in at the same time creating chaos. Even when the lift display throws an alarm of overload, none makes an effort to step out. Because all are in great hurry but we do not mind getting stuck there for a few minutes.

We come out of our parking lots honking our way out almost like that of an ambulance carrying a cardiac patient to the hospital. At the intersection, before even the lights turn green, we keep nudging forward almost to the middle of the road and also spreading ingeniously sideways like an amoeba blocking the left going traffic. In just a nano second after the lights turn green, there will be blaring horns prompting the vehicles in front to lurch forward without wasting a second. At the roundabouts, we all hurriedly move forward with the sole intention of stopping the other car from moving forward creating a logjam. We don’t care even if the gridlock doesn't get cleared for some time. The blame of course is on the others who seem to have no traffic sense! When do you think our schools teach us the meaning of the word ‘yield’ as an important tenet of traffic sense? I am not sure they would ever be able to!

Be at the hotel receptions, railway ticket counters, bus stops or movie halls – just name the place and we have this great Indian hurry playing its part in a puritanical way. We can only huddle at the counters and not stand in queue; can only push and jostle but not stand at a respectable distance; can’t wait for our turn but would like to clandestinely explore our ways of directly chipping in at the counter from nowhere. Yes. We are all in great Indian hurry.

What would the westerners think of this? Well we don’t care! We take pride in our own ways. Here I would like to showcase one of the many incidents that I happened to witness a few years ago when travelling in Europe with a group of Indians from all states. We arrived in at the hotel in Zurich for a night’s stay and the guide told us that the lady at the counter would give us our respective room keys and asked us to form a queue. No sooner the lady started doing the formalities with the first guy, than the whole lot jumped at the counter asking for keys to the rooms. There was pandemonium and the lady walked off the counter and I heard her saying to the Indian guide “I am scared; I can’t handle this crowd; I can only attend one at a time”

Oh don’t bother! What to talk of a silly hotel counter, when we do it all the time in our temples as well. In temples the queue barricades are generally made of steel or stainless steel bars and any outsider would mistakenly believe that the infrastructure is meant for checking the stampede of some unruly domestic animals. Even such a restrictive infrastructure is not good enough to control quite a few enthusiasts who would generally be seen climbing over the barricades, jump lines and rush forward. In front of the sanctum, one can see the typical hurry of the devotees trying to push and nudge each other with the sole objective of getting the blessings of the adorning deity exclusively for themselves. But isn't the God for everyone and His kindness impartial? Forget it! Just let me have him first and all to myself!

The other day in a marriage buffet, I picked up my plate and was serving myself some curry and just then my attention was drawn for a few seconds by a cousin who was behind me. While emptying the serving spoon I turned back and was aghast to see someone who sneaked into the line was holding his plate above mine and the curry landed in his plate instead of mine! Before I could say something he rushed on for a go at the other items.

 I sighed and said to myself perhaps he is in a “great hurry for the curry and after all he is one of us”

I know you are all in a great hurry but please don’t read this in a hurry as it makes understanding of the great Indian Hurry a hurried mess!

See you guys! Now let me hurry for my next piece.